Starring me as myself

Call me shallow but I’ve never quite grown out of that stage where I want to be an actress. I’ve always thought that every little girl dreamt of being a TV star. Who among us didn’t wish to be one of those girls dancing in the snow in one of the scenes of Sarah, Ang Munting Prinsesa? Who didn’t try to watch herself cry and do a monolouge in front of the mirror, acting out parts from And Pulubi at ang Prinsesa? Who didn’t wish to be walking along the hallowed halls of Hogwarts in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone? I’ve imagined millions of scenes in hundreds of TV shows and movies I wished I was a part of.

It’s a big confession for me to make because I was never one to hog the limelight. I love working in the background because I have this ever-present tendency to embarrass myself. I’m not really afraid of crowds. At least five times in my highschool days, I’ve been a host of schoolwide programs. Every year, from freshman to senior year, I was the year representative in our high school intramurals during the opening program. I was even on the debate team my senior year. All this is to say that while I don’t want to hog the limelight, I’ve actually had my share of it. (I think that, for the most part, I want to work on the background because somehow, I have a better rapport with people working on the background. I’m a very relational sort of person so often, the people I’ll be doing things with decide the things I do and not the other way around. )

Weirdly enough, when college came and out popped a million opportunities to try my skills at singing, dancing, acting, hosting, modelling and practically everything else, I turned into this awkward, insecure, cowardly nerd who just let opportunity after opportunity pass because she’s too afraid to embarrass herself yet again. It must be be due to the fact that academics, the one thing I’ve always thought I was good at, morphed into something that kept me awake and stressed out for the better part of my college life. Also, I had a really hard time making friends among my collegemates until I just stopped trying and it basically killed my self-confidence.

Since the start of the year, I got immersed in my thesis and plant design so I’ve had little time for myself but I found out that busyness never quite deters a graduating student from looking back at her college years and counting regrets, frustrations and dreams which were never quite realized and never will be. My dream of becoming a star will be added to the list and will join “graduating with Latin honors”, “starting an org newsletter”, “joining an Eng’g week night event”, and dozens other. (I’m still not giving up on becoming a jologs quiz champion, bringing my highschool friends to church, and having just the tiniest hint of a lovelife, though. wink! )

I don’t even know where this post is going. For sure, I didn’t intend to write a whiny post that makes me sound pathetic. I’ve always projected a front of confidence, an air of I-don’t-care-if-I’m-walking-out-of-a-class-alone-because-I-have-things-to-do, an aura of extrovertism (is there even such a word?). But if this post is anything, it’s proof of my insecurity and loneliness. (This is probably the part where I say, “But I’m happy! Honestly!” because I am and it’s probably the stress in me writing this. )

I may not be a star but I’m a heck of an actress.

*This is a response to the Daily Prompt: The Show Must Go On.